I hit the wall.

Well, here I am, officially four months into the experience that is supposed to be, 'the hardest job I'll ever love.' I think I am beginning to understand what that actually means. Each day brings forth a new set of challenges and rewards that somehow even out and make everything do-able. I won't lie to you, I have questioned my reasons for being here several times, sometimes several times in a day, although there are also days when I don't question my reasoning or my impact here at all.
I still have two months to go before I 'arrive,' as I believe it takes six months to get a good grasp on a new way of life and all of the transitioning becomes part of a routine instead of constant adjustments. I spoke to a USAID worker about a week ago and she said, "you come to a point where you hit this wall, the novelty wears off and you decide if you're going to make it or if you're not. You decide if you're going to adjust and accept what is now home, or you don't adjust and you don't make it." When she said this to me I was in the midst of spending a lot of time reflecting on the state of my life (and I still do this, daily) and trying to pinpoint what my 'status'; after listening to her for a while I realized I was beginning to hit this wall.
The little battles I had to overcome everyday were becoming not as important or rewarding as they used to be - getting on an overstuffed marshutka, haggling prices, fighting with the crowds here, dealing with men and harassment, and a million other things I can't begin to describe as they are just a part of being here...all of these things were becoming extremely annoying - they were no longer interesting as in, 'damn, I heard about all of these things, now I'm actually seeing and experiencing it.' I came to a point where I just had it, it wasn't okay, I didn't like the mentalities of people here, I didn't like the constant uphill fight that each day seemed to be, and for a while there was no other way of describing my adjustment than: it sucked. It plain sucked. It wasn't fun, it was hard, but it was part of hitting that wall.
I don't think I could've had that conversation at a better time. She opened my eyes a bit to what I was actually experiencing (as she and her partner have been here for some two years). Since then, I have been able to acknowledge why I feel certain ways, why I react the way I do, and I've made a conscious effort to take each day one at a time and accept that this is a hard place to live, not every moment will be fun or life-changing.
Trust and faith. Those two words...they get me through. It's all I have sometimes when I hit the lowest of lows, when I think, 'what am I doing here,' ' am I pointless in all of this,' ' does it even matter I'm here.' When I change my perspective and get grounded those thoughts change into, 'I don't know what I'm doing here, but that's okay - it will all become clear in time,' 'nothing is pointless here - from the relationship I have with my youngest sister, to helping a babushka carry bags, to smiling at someone just to see there shock as they observe someone actually smiling - all of these little things make a difference (even if it is just a speck of hope),' and,' it does matter that I'm here, I've only been here four months and I think I'm a becoming more of the person I need to be because of it.'
My life has slowed down a bit, and I didn't realize how much I needed that to happen. In the states I ran around non-stop, my day planner ran my life. Here, I have been given the chance to really work on my faith, I can journal, I can study, I can go for a walk and not feel guilty because I may be 'missing something.' I miss my family and friends immensely, but I think this is all going to make me a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better aunt, etc.
Actually having the ability to take time and work on my personal life - my faith, my relationships, my family, and myself - is one of the greatest things I've been able to enjoy while being here. I don't remember the last time I sat down and read a book in a week (or less), actually wrote in a journal for more than a month before my schedule wouldn't allow it anymore, or was able to make a conscious effort to cherish my family and friends. Sometimes when I find myself wanting to get 'crazy busy' again I have to stop and look at my motives - it's not okay, it's not right, and a busy schedule that avoids me having to make any emotional attachments is not healthy.
One day at a time...this is how I like to live my life. The past is in the past, the future is tomorrow and why worry about it today while today's actually happening?
Being here is really hard, but I am beginning to love it. The motto may be true. I know I'm still pretty fresh here, so I'm sure my outlook may change once or twice (or a hundred times) but right now, that's how I feel. That's where I am emotionally.

Just thought I'd let you all know.

I love you all and miss you!

Annie

I just finished reading Joshua, one of my favorite verses was:
"...You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed." - Joshua 23:14
After leaving Egypt and traveling across the dessert, rivers, seas, overcoming battles and war, idolatry, etc. the people finally began to settle in their new land. They struggled to get there, in faith and physically, but finally they reached this place that was promised - physically and mentally. It wasn't easy, but they did it.